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COMSUBBBS
Posts: 3202
Location: Alexandria, Virginia | Subject: This morning at Breakfast we created a new Game
My all time favorite greasy spoon has a substantial old coots discount and free coffee refills before 11AM when they start shoveling out lunch. The Den Mother of this daily geriatric convention is a big busted blonde Nebraska bred sweetheart named Alice...She's part maternal angel, part very efficient waitress and two parts lion tamer. Today we created a game...We created a list of the sonuvabitches we would shoot, drown or burn at the stake if we became Emperor of the Entire Solar System. My list included the bastar4d who came up with all those loose subscription mail in cards you find in mjagazines....for him, garden trowel castration...Next the guy who came up with the kid-proof mouthwash bottle...asperin...and cough syrup bottle caps...lock em up in a small room with Rosey O'Donnel for thirty five years. Next, we need to locate the bastard or bastards who came up with the theft proof CD and DVD packaging...just toss the whole load in the Great White aquarium ten minutes before feeding time. The guys behind the "censored" boob cover-ups on the GIRLS GONE WILD commercials....put chutes on them and push them out fifteen hundred feet above the mountainous region of Northern Pakistan, wearing "F--K Ossama" T-Shirts provided by Rontini. The inventor of Big Wheels...those hollow plastic noise making tricycles....He's mine...we have him scheduled for rectal Cobra insertion. Anyone selling roto tillers, weedwhackers, lawn edge trimmers, gutter cleaning devices, sprinklers, hedge trimmers, riding lawnmowers or bug eaters...on TV...they get holes drilled in their heads so we can float their brains in the new, improved MR. CLEAN. Anyone who produces a commercial where some lovely young thing runs through a pristine field full of blooming daisies...under blue skies with puffy white clouds yelling she's fresh and clean because of some feminine hygene spray...These guys will become instant members of the next experimental Russian Martian Space Probe. Now it's your turn...DEX |
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Master and Commander
Posts: 1455
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That's a pretty good list you have going. I'd like to add the person that "failed" to invent a cranial implant cell phone for all those clowns who yak at 90 DB in the airport gate area. I just don't want to hear how important you want me to think you are. They should have their tongues cut out with a rusty clam shell. Oh, let's not leave out the clowns who pull up to the gas pump when there's folks waiting in line, finish pumping and then leave the car there while they take a leak, buy bottled water, etc. They should be staked out on a red ant hill with a lollypop stuck in their mouth. Speaking of bottled water, don't complain about the price of gas when a gallon of bottled water cost more. Trust me, you aren't going to live forever. Anybody who uses the uhm, you know, & ah more than twice in a sentence. Don't forget the "to be perfectly honest" phrase. So, you were telling me the truth before? Let's also not forget the wait staff in the eatery who asks if you want a refill and sticks every finger but the thumb down in the glass (hopefully it's glass and not plastic). I wonder if that same glass is coming back? And to keep this submarine related the guy that wakes up with mouth mung, pillow parts, eyes welded shut with whatever you call that stuff, and half a woodie and bumps his way into crews mess for chow. I guess that's the description of a true boat sailor if he's doing it to relieve you on watch in time. |
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Master and Commander
Posts: 1405
Location: Houston, TX (Best state in the US) | Subject: RE: This morning at Breakfast we created a new Game
Wow,
Reminds me of the song, "I've gotta little list", from the Mikado by Gilbert and Sullivan. It would be fun to see what Gilbert would have written if he had been exposed to the social skill-less of today!
Enjoyed both your posts, Dex and Tom. |
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COMSUBBBS
Posts: 2561
Location: Rapid City, SD | Subject: RE: This morning at Breakfast we created a new Game
Only one for now. The person who ends every sentence with, "you know what I mean?"
I usually respond, "No, I don't know what you mean."
Non sub-related, to be sure.
Cora |
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COMSUBBBS
Posts: 3202
Location: Alexandria, Virginia | Subject: RE: This morning at Breakfast we created a new Game
There are six of us. We solve all of the world's problems...make consistently lousy sports predictions....We cuss rap music, the way youngtsters dress, the price of damn near everything and we have raised pissing and moaning to new elevated levels and institutionalized original, creative whining. We stay off politics for three reasons (A) What the six of us think doesn't actually make a damn in the great cosmic scheme of universal priorities...(B) None of us are excited by any of the folks auditioning for the job (C) We all know who everyone is for and prefer not to engaqge in kneecapping...throat cutting....and fragmentation grenade tag. One old moss covered bastard was a B-17 ball turret gunner (Some Bomb Group in the 8th Air Force) and completed his 25 missions in early 45. He's more opinionated than me. His solution to the situation in the Mid East is simple and involves producing large quantities of Chocolate Chip Cookies using ExLax chips, parachuting them to the Pakistani cdave dwellers...waiting ten hours and carpet bombing the outhouses. This is an example of why we are rarely consulted by the National Security Council or political think-tanks. Our Kentucky Derby picks were about as good and bets placed by a similar number of chimpanzees. We have only ONE criteria for membership...to be one of us you have to promise, if you can still walk upright, you'll attend each members funeral and bring a big busted guest. Warren, a retired eye-doctor put in the "big busted guest" part. One of our unofficial functions is to point out to the membership any world class breast development belonging to patrons that may have entered without notice of the entire group. One fellow is suffering from terminal cancer. He told us that he wanted to be treated just as we normally treated each other so Dave pipes up and says..."Hey, since you won't be here to use them, what are you going to do wioth your Season Redskin tickets?" Not very subtle but as it turned out...highly effective. Tomorrow, I'm going to suggest that when I become the Planetary Master Pope...that we shoot any weather prognosticator who gets the weather wrong two days in a row and send these female teachers who have sex with under age students, to do their time in submarine barracks...By the way, where were those sweethearts when I was in 9th grade? We do some good things...we buy coffee for old ladies in support stockings....We buy Christmas CD's sold by two nuns who come in and make you feel like they will go back to the convent and condem your soul to hell for a couple of thousand years, if you don't buy their CD's....The nuns told us in reponse to a question asked...that they didn't use the money to buy thongs at Victoria Secrets. It was a question,. begging to be asked....and we chip in for Rotary Club THANKSGIVING DINNERS for the disadvantaged.... We ONLY support each other and NEVER criticize each other...because there are plenty of folks to hand you cowpies but damn few who come through the door to hand you a bluebird....We have decided to cut everything loose that criticizes us without establishing a prior history of public support. Oh Yes, Everyone of us got Honorable Discharges and have DD-214's.....Great bunch. DEX |
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Master and Commander
Posts: 1107
Location: Tucson AZ | Subject: RE: This morning at Breakfast we created a new Game
Tom McNulty - 2008-05-06 2:59 PM
{SNIP} Anybody who uses the uhm, you know, & ah more than twice in a sentence. {SNIP}
But Tom! That would mean the demise of both pro and college level sports! My wife and I rag the TV when the sports segment of our local news is on and they're interviewing one athlete or another. I don't kinow that I've ever seen one where one of the words you listed isn't injected in every sentence 2 or 3 times.
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Master and Commander
Posts: 1262
Location: Va.Beach,Va. | Subject: RE: This morning at Breakfast we created a new Game
Dex,How lucky you are to have that greasy spoon?old fart's clubhouse.
Seems those places have gone the way of the drive in movie and the
corner sody fountain.I remember,years ago,an old buddy of mine ran a second hand store .There were about half a dozen chairs out front,always occupied by
the neighborhood's foremost philosophers.He went out of biz-ness and the other
inhabitants of the strip mall ran us off the sidewalk.
When I was a kid the world's major malfunctions were always solved at the
Barber shop(just not the same in the "unisex salon").
Used to love to visit the mom & pop hardware store in Belton,S.C.where my
Dad,a Sea Bee who did his time on Iwo Jima,sat prominately in the middle of the group,wearing a Dolphin ballcap in honor of his mentally unbalanced "bubblehead"
son.
Either the local chapter of the "old fart,world problem solvers of America"has
disolved or have found a new meeting place and my invitation got lost in the mail.
Damn the bad luck! 
Edited by MAD DOG 2008-05-06 7:33 PM
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COMSUBBBS
Posts: 6180
Location: Summerville, SC | Subject: RE: This morning at Breakfast we created a new Game
Paul/MAD DOG, did you know a Pope Simmons in Belton, SC? I worked with him a few years here in Charleston at a trucking company. I think he's under the lawn now. |
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Master and Commander
Posts: 1262
Location: Va.Beach,Va. | Subject: RE: This morning at Breakfast we created a new Game
Sorry Ralph,I never met the gentleman.I never lived in Belton.
My father retired there and lived there until he passed away.
I took every oportunity possible to visit him when I was stationed
in Chasn. |
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Senior Crew
Posts: 192
| Subject: RE: This morning at Breakfast we created a new Game
...and here I thought you wuz gonna tell us that yew invented something about watching each other roll yer socks up and down or count ear hairs...
Billy Bob |
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Master and Commander
Posts: 2254
Location: Foothills of the Ozarks | Subject: RE: This morning at Breakfast we created a new Game
I would add to this list the people who forget that the law reads "Right Turn Allowed on Red AFTER STOP" and people who always offer an opinion on every topic whether or not an opinon is called for. I've been guilty of both offenses and been hoisted on my own petard for it; so like a reformed smoker (which I'm also guilty of) I'm less tolerant of people who retain the traits I have worked hard to shed.
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Great Sage of the Sea
Posts: 602
Location: Visalia, Ca. | Subject: RE: This morning at Breakfast we created a new Game
MAD DOG - 2008-05-06 5:29 PM
Either the local chapter of the "old fart/world problem solvers of America" has
disolved or have found a new meeting place and my invitation got lost in the mail.
Damn the bad luck!
So get a bunch of your friends, find a place that will tolerate your presence, and start your own Chapter!
It ain't like you need permission and a Charter from some far-away National Headquarters.
We have TWO chapters that meet daily at our FRA Branch home - one at the bar and one on the smoking porch. Sometimes they even agree about something!
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Great Sage of the Sea
Posts: 602
Location: Visalia, Ca. | Subject: RE: This morning at Breakfast we created a new Game
How about the sonuva "BLEEEP" that developed the automated dialer for telemarketers. You know, the computer that dials phone numbers until somebody answers, then either switches in a telemarketer or hangs up after 10 seconds if a salesman is not available.
Give them 10 years in a cell with telephone ring tones playing 24/7.
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COMSUBBBS
Posts: 3202
Location: Alexandria, Virginia | Subject: RE: This morning at Breakfast we created a new Game
Don. YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT...How'n the hell did we miss those intrusive bastards. However we need a far more terrible punishment....How does locking them in that Austrian weirdo's basement dungeon with an oversexed gorilla? Or tossing them into a deep pit with Richard Simmons, PeeWee Herman and the Grand Marshall of the San Francisco Gay Parade? Man, you take the prize for best suggestion. DEX |
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Master and Commander
Posts: 1405
Location: Houston, TX (Best state in the US) | Subject: RE: This morning at Breakfast we created a new Game
Don, I got a cheap modem from creative that is voice and caller ID compatible. Then I downloaded a free software package called PHONE TRAY which I later registered because it was so good. A telemarketer might get me once, but he'll never get a second chance. Between the phone tray and http://whocalled.us, I can filter out any number (or range of numbers) and I can have a "zap" message for any number or choose from a dozen or so .wav files. I can filter out based on a number of default caller ids, forcing a number that blocks there id into having to use *82 if they want to talk to me.
The data is stored in .csv files so you and import them into excel for reports and/or analysis or sharing with others. If you have a mean streak, it provides evidence you can use to go after the telemarketer if he calls again. I think the penalties for calling after they have been reminded not to call are pretty severe and it's on a per call basis.
Been having a ball with it.
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Master and Commander
Posts: 1262
Location: Va.Beach,Va. | Subject: RE: This morning at Breakfast we created a new Game
Don't forget the ever disgusting "For English,press 1".
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COMSUBBBS
Posts: 3202
Location: Alexandria, Virginia | Subject: RE: This morning at Breakfast we created a new Game
I want the guy who thought up the idea of the paper band around a motel toilet seat...and the sonuvabitch who thought up the concept of motel soap...You can find bigger slivers in a shower at a Salvation Army boot camp. Both of them get tossed in the the nasty iguana pit. DEX
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COMSUBBBS
Posts: 3202
Location: Alexandria, Virginia | Subject: RE: This morning at Breakfast we created a new Game
When we set up the Planetary Government, the first thing we need to do is appoint MAD DOG to be the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. DEX |
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This morning at Breakfast we created a new Game
