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COMSUBBBS
Posts: 3202
Location: Alexandria, Virginia | Subject: THE LIST
I keep a list of folks I'm going to shoot immediately after becoming Emperor of the Universe...The guy who heads the list is the sonuvabitch that puts all those mailers and advertisements inbetween the pages of magazines...You know the loose stuff that falls out when you start to read a magazine or the damn ones you have to flip through the magazine and tear out. Next, I'm going to shoot the bastard who came up with UNISEX barbershops...Barbershops used to be convivial places where grown men met to cuss, tell off-color jokes, talk about hunting, fishing, the pros and cons of large displacement bust development, merits of various automobiles, preference in pocket knives, lighters, hair tonic....liquor...favorite beer brands...sports teams, cowboy heroes....Barber shops had spitoons, nekkit woman Champion Spark Plug calendars.....rubber machines on the restroom wall where you could pop in two quarters and get a three pack of TROJAN plain ends for a weekend. Barber shops had fine examples of the taxidermists art....Nudie magazines....Kawanis gumball machines...and an old mutt with an infected ear. They were the last bastion of totally male stuff....Then wimmin showed up and the belching and cussing stopped....titty talk came to all stop....Family Circle and Womans Day replaced Buxom Babes, Fanny Man's Journal, The Booby Gazette and PLAYBOY....Recipe talk and quilt making conversation showed up...along with yeast infection prevention advice. Manicurists popped up. Somewhere the entire barber shop culture, ambiance and male sanctuary concept got ruined. As Emperor of the Universe (EOU) I am going to hunt down the guy who thought up UNISEX hair cutting places and nail the idiot to a railroad crossing sign upside down. Next, I'm going after Mister Starbucks....Every bum who sits arounhd a railroad yard fire, drinking his morning jamoke out of a rusty tin can, knows there's no such thing as a four dollar cup of coffee....Four dollar coffee is equal to horse stealing in TEXAS...so we're gonna find a tree and hang Mister Big Bucks Starbucks and six of his closest friends, Next the guys who come up with all that "how in the hell do you get into it ?" packaging....They get tossed down the nearest volcano hole. We're gonna get the jerk who invented the plastic BIG WHEELS tricycle...the one that makes the damndest racket rolling down a concrete sidewalk when an old coot is doing his damndest to get an afternoon nap...Then we're going after the TV schedule planners who schedule the Victoria Secrets bra and panty commercials for times that only burglars and bad wimmin are up. We're going to issue "shoot to kill" licenses to citizens who wait their turn in highly conjested traffic lanes so they can shoot "drive down the shoulder cheaters" and folks talking on cell phones while driving. The issued license will permit the shooter to remove all jewelry, wallet and POWERBALL LOTTERY tickets from the carcasses of his kills. If you get a fast food hamburger with polymer cheese or a hamburger patty smaller than a fifty cent piece it will be OK to lock the entire staff in the meat locker and set fire to the place....same with any LOWES or HOME DEPOT that sells you a piece of finished lumber with more than 500 knots in it. It will also be OK to burn down ANY filling station with a restroom that is filthy...out of toilet paper and smells like the inside of Rosanne Barr's gym shorts. People who have nothing wrong with them and park in handicapped spaces will be deported to Honduras and have their car towed to the nearest car crusher. Auto makers will be given two years to come up with a vehicle that gets eighty miles out of a hopper load of cow pies...if not all the emkployees will be bussed to SEA WORLD and tossed into the Great White tank four times a day for visitors that pay $6.75 to see the FEED THE SHARKS show. Oh, there are a lot more...but it's your turn....DEX |
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COMSUBBBS
Posts: 2561
Location: Rapid City, SD | Subject: But, Dex...
Didn't you always feel sorry for the "booger" (pun intended) who had to clean the spittoons?
Cora
Edited by Corabelle 2008-06-29 10:03 AM
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Old Salt
Posts: 489
Location: San Freakcisco CA area | Subject: RE: THE LIST
Ahh, yes - the magazine "bingo cards" -- well, according to one unnamed friend, he fills each one in and mails it back - using names and addresses of those he really wants to torment. Once a name gets on one of those "bingo card" lists, it takes on a life of its own ...
I worked with an obnoxious pissant once who was on a foreign assignment for maybe 4 months - by the time he got back, he almost couldn't push his office door open.
So instead of burning off emotional energy making an enemies' list -- get happy and get revenge at the same time by sharing with your less appreciated work associates. |
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Old Salt
Posts: 431
| Subject: RE: THE LIST
insert all one days junk mail into a return envelope selected from that days lot
mail
repeat as needed |
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COMSUBBBS
Posts: 3202
Location: Alexandria, Virginia | Subject: RE: THE LIST
There used to be a fellow who shined shoes in the St. Elmo barber shop...When he wasn't buffing up someones shoes he swept up the hair under the barber chairs, put the magazines back in the rack., tidied up the restroom and took the three spitoons out back and hosed them out....The St. Elmo barber shop spitoons never got Brassoed...but the ones in the Reed House bar and the two railroad stations in Chattanooga got shined up like a Gunnery Sgt's dress blues buckle...Don't know who did it, but those rascals looked like pure gold. You never saw urinal piping verdigris or dull fixture handles in the men's rooms at the Patton Hotel, Reed House or Tivoli Theater in Chattanooga....Until Cora's post, never thought about it...Funny, When you grow up in a segregated society, you never consider who did the menial work...who did the heavy lifting...took care of the undesirable tasks...handled the nasty work...the back breaking jackass work. We lived right smack in the middle of racially divided America and the greatest indictment of my generation was that we never took notice....That was the way,"it had always been" and we weren't apathetic we simply didn't think about it...We wandered life's road cloaked in ignorant bliss. I took my first shower in a shower with a black man in it at Great Lakes....and one of the most respected shipmates on REQUIN was a First Class TM named Larry Dyshart...He was the first African American I worked for and I deeply respected him. That post about WHO CLEANED THE SPITOONS made me think some tough to deal with thoughts. We've come a helluva long way since the late 1940's....We've matured, but still have a long way to go....But when you consider that a black gentleman with an Arabic sounding name has gotten the endorsement of his party to run for President we've made remarkable progress. When you consider what spitoon hosing out was, you recognize that it was undesirable but necessary work...Honest work....There are a lot of folks out there who had a lot better paying dishonest work...like Enron execs...Sub Prime Mortgage slick tongued sonuvabitches....and the guys who carved their fortunes out of exporting American jobs. Set beside those low life bastards spitoon hosing ranks right up there with Cancer research and attending a three year semminary course. If the United States Submarine Force had had wardroom tobacco bed pans you can betcher ass E-3's would have been the instrument of tobacco juice and plug wad removal....and there would have been an entry on the Watch,Quarters and Station Bill, reading DUTY SPITOON CLEANER...and the bastard's name that was pencilled in was THE DUTY MESSCOOK the week before and had his very own dedicated paint scraper, chipping hammer and wire brush. DEX |
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Great Sage of the Sea
Posts: 561
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My Pop came from a family of 12 kids. The youngest girl number 10 on the list, Aunt Carol, always had the job of emptying Grand Mothers thunder mug, porta potty of the 1940s, or what ever you called it and I bet she had a few pet names for it. This was an assigned job to be accomplished each and every morning. Grand Mother was a very large woman who loved to eat vast amounts so Aunt Carols job was rather cumberson and never ending. Some mornings you could hear Aunt Carol calling ralph as she went about her assigned duties.
When Grand Mother passed away at age 80 something you could hear a very loud boom and crash out behind the barn. Seems Grand Mothers thunder mug met an untimely end as Aunt Carol hung the duty 12g shot gun back on its rack above the front door.
While Aunt Carol was not one of my favorite aunts she did have my sympathy.
T.Spoon, DBF |
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COMSUBBBS
Posts: 2673
Location: New Jersey | Subject: RE: THE LIST
Your poor Aunt Carol....Damn! What a s**t job.....Pun intended/ |
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THE LIST
