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Master and Commander
Posts: 1893
Location: Patterson, New York | Subject: Some Helpful Information - BBS Related
If you decide to read this, get a cup of coffee first.
Avoiding Online Conflict
By Mihaela Moussou, with Nancy White, last updated 5/04
Diverse opinions are critical to constructive dialog. Diversity enriches a group. But there is a line between constructive critical thinking and behavior which demeans individuals and potentially destroys communities. It is a fine line with no obvious answer for a facilitator. The goal of this piece is to think about how to support diverse and divergent thinking while reducing the likelihood of personal conflict and group destruction. And this conflict often arises due to misunderstanding. So it is about conflict between people, not between ideas. This is an important distinction!
Before we discuss how to avoid online conflict, there are five key attributes of online communication to take into consideration:
• Lack of physical communication cues - We cannot see or hear the huge range of non-verbal cues we use during the course of conversation to discern if our audience is understanding, agreeing, disagreeing, getting uncomfortable or opening up. In cyberspace, we must explicitly ask for this information.
• Potential impersonality of the medium (distance) - Sometimes, when communicating online people may lose some of their inhibitions and say things they would not say offline. Social norms are less clear and more open to individual interpretation. Setting norms that we agree to use together can control this loss of inhibition.
• Asynchronicity affects the way we experience and feel about messages - When you have time to think about your response, you may be more thoughtful or you may let issues build up and get blown out of proportion. In online interactions, each of us may interpret periods of silence very differently. These subtle, unspoken issues can cloud communication.
• Public vs. private spaces and perceptions - People have different tolerances of what they think should be "public" or "private." These differences need to be taken into account when choosing to deal with issues in public and/or private spaces.
• Limitations of writing and reading - We are not all poets and most of us lead busy lives. Our inattention to detail in writing and our speed reading through topics can lead to misinterpretations. Be thorough. Be explicit.
Four Tips to Avoid Online Misunderstandings
1) Making "I" statements, not "You" statements
'I' statements are used when we feel strongly about something and we want the other person to be aware of how we feel. Use these statements instead of telling the other person what you would like them to do or not do. "I would be more comfortable if you first stated your personal goals about the plan." vs. "You didn't state your agenda and confused the rest of us."
'I' statements present our case without causing defensiveness in the other person. The effective 'I' statement includes three parts. 'When I see/hear (behavior), I feel (feeling). What I would really like is (what is wanted)".
Example: 'When I see that my posts are not being acknowledged, I feel ignored. What I would really like is to have feedback on my input'.
2) Checking assumptions
Assumptions are our interpretations of what we hear or read. They are the result of our trying to fill in information that is missing. Assumptions are almost always present. They are based on our own personal attitudes and beliefs. Checking assumptions is very important. Ask. 'In reading your statement, I am assuming that... Is that so?''
3) Actively "listening"/Reading
Building rapport with another depends on the quality of our attention during the act of communicating. Remember that the writer cannot see us nodding our heads or hear us saying "umm... hmmm."
Communication occurs at different levels. For messages to be accurately received every level needs to be acknowledged and understood.
• Information
As a speaker or writer, be as informative as possible. Provide background and details. As a listener or reader, ask open questions that help the other expand on the subject. Ask specific questions to get more details. Reflect back what you heard to check for accuracy.
• Feelings
Feelings are an integral part of our being. In some cultures, expression of feelings is discouraged, especially negative feelings. It is easier in face-to-face situations to listen to and pick up feelings. Visual clues and voice tones tend to give away signs that may be more easily suppressed when communicating in writing. As a speaker, or writer, make sure to express your feelings when you sense that they are 'nudging' you, using the 'I' statements.
As a listener, or reader, make sure to acknowledge those feelings when they are expressed. If feelings are not openly expressed but you sense something may be present, check it out, remembering that this is an assumption on your part. 'I am sensing that you may be feeling upset. Is that so?' This may give you more information, but remember some people may not admit to negative feelings even if you ask.
4) Acknowledging perspectives
People's perceptions of reality can be very different and individualistic. We need to recognize that the other person believes as strongly as we do about the history of the events even when our views of what may have happened are quite different. These different personal perspectives are equally valid. We need to start by respecting the other person's perspective, discuss our views and come to a useful agreement.
When describing an event, say "From my perspective ..." This describes what was real for you without devaluing someone else's point of view. Everyone can contribute from his/her own perspective, adding to the richness of the interaction.
Conflicts Happen
Conflicts are great opportunities for learning and growth. The stronger the emotion, the tighter the impasse, the larger the opportunity for learning about ourselves. Questions to ask yourself: what causes me to have strong reactions (usually hurt or anger)? When / where and with whom does it frequently happen?
For resolution to occur there needs to be a sincere desire by both parties to reach a win-win solution, without needing to prove right or wrong. This is the time to drop judgment, blame and defensiveness and open up the possibility of being creative, of finding new ways to respond, instead of reacting. This is the time to be adventurous, inquisitive, curious, playful, and courageous.
ADDITIONAL NOTE:
By making "I" statements, the person is taking responsibility for his own feelings. Instead of saying "You make me so angry," say "I am upset." It is important to label how you feel with "I" instead of "you." This allows a person to express feelings without placing blame on the other person. Some more examples include: "I feel upset. I am really sad. I am frustrated, confused, and angry."
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Senior Crew
Posts: 157
Location: Clarinda, IA | Subject: RE: Some Helpful Information - BBS Related
Thomas, these are some very good thoughts for all of us to consider. The only thing I could add is that with some BBSs the purpose of having it may further limit how much we desire or can tolerate conflicts. I am responsible for a BBS whose purpose is to help USSVI Base Officers work together and help promote more active bases and make a stronger organization. While sometimes I would like to throw out ideas just to see what people think, I also have to be aware that when it becomes confrontational, then I lose a lot of readers as they belong to be a part of a group, not to confront others in the group. I am going to borrow this and put it up over there so that people can be more aware before making some statements. It certainly will be a help in showing all of us how to approach ideas so that we can discuss ideas in a more friendly atmosphere.
Thanks,
Viejo |
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Old Salt
Posts: 431
| Subject: RE: Some Helpful Information - BBS Related
I got bored after the first paragraph but the 2 Jamaican coffees made my happy. So thanks anyway |
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Great Sage of the Sea
Posts: 566
Location: Inyokern, Ca. | Subject: RE: Some Helpful Information - BBS Related
Some great stuff there Tom. Thank you for posting it.
I like the part about confrontations being an opportunity for learning. With the group of local friends/family I associate with we often spend after dinner sessions discussing divisive topics. We respect each other, but are honest and direct. As long as we never devolve to ad hominem attacks, we respect a good debate as being an opportunity to learn.
Too often on the internet people panic and run from any divisive discussion. Everybody has to be saccharin sweet and no conversation is allowed if it might possibly bruise someone's ego. Everyone must wear kid gloves rather than be allowed to discuss and disagree, like adults.
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Master and Commander
Posts: 1814
Location: Boydton, Virginia | Subject: RE: Some Helpful Information - BBS Related
Right on, Blackbeard. I have somehow learned to survive as a staunch Democrat among my friends of Veterans, Confederates, Southern rednecks and Bushy-loving inlaws. You just have to learn to agree to disagree and respect each person for who they are. (Gee, I miss Warshot!)
Steamboat Sends |
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COMSUBBBS
Posts: 6180
Location: Summerville, SC | Subject: RE: Some Helpful Information - BBS Related
Conflicts Happen
Conflicts are great opportunities for learning and growth. The stronger the emotion, the tighter the impasse, the larger the opportunity for learning about ourselves. Questions to ask yourself: what causes me to have strong reactions (usually hurt or anger)? When / where and with whom does it frequently happen?
For resolution to occur there needs to be a sincere desire by both parties to reach a win-win solution, without needing to prove right or wrong. This is the time to drop judgment, blame and defensiveness and open up the possibility of being creative, of finding new ways to respond, instead of reacting. This is the time to be adventurous, inquisitive, curious, playful, and courageous.
ADDITIONAL NOTE:
By making "I" statements, the person is taking responsibility for his own feelings. Instead of saying "You make me so angry," say "I am upset." It is important to label how you feel with "I" instead of "you." This allows a person to express feelings without placing blame on the other person. Some more examples include: "I feel upset. I am really sad. I am frustrated, confused, and angry."
 Conflicts happen??????????? Here??????? Why I never!!!!!!! Can't get to me---horsefly! Why I'll crap in your flat hat if you get to me.  |
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Master and Commander
Posts: 1107
Location: Tucson AZ | Subject: RE: Some Helpful Information - BBS Related
Stop making sense! |
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Great Sage of the Sea
Posts: 566
Location: Inyokern, Ca. | Subject: RE: Some Helpful Information - BBS Related
Flapper don't tell me you are also a Talking Heads fan??? Too much in common.
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Some Helpful Information - BBS Related
